Black Butler Abridged
by Kiheada.Ray.T
Summary: Crack fic collaboration between myself and Petra Jade. We follow the manga and add shenanigans between your favorite Butler and Earl. You're welcome.


**Black Butler Abridged**

**His Butler: Yer a Wizard, Ciel**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Black Butler, nor any references mentioned. **

**Warning: Crack fic. Yaoi, pedophilia, and your basic shota shenanigans. DAT SEXUAL TENSION. There will be lots of it. And it won't be subtle. There will also be a lot of random references thrown about. TAKE IT. TAKE IT LIKE A FAN.**

_This is a collaborative piece between myself and Petra Jade. We were going to do Black Butler Abridged videos, then realized we were writers, not video techs, so this happened. We did this role-play style, with me as Sebastian, and her as Ciel. Some of it will be serious, some of it will be pure crack. Also, we're following the manga, mostly. The anime slips in every now and then. Enjoy our shenanigans~_

* * *

_Preface_

"I'm not a Wizard, Grell. I'm just Ciel."

"Well, Just Ciel, yoo are a wizard!"

"But Gre—,"

"This is not negotiable! I'm draggin' ye to London, yer gonna be a wizard, yer gonna doo spells and yer gonna get a sexy demon to deliver yer shighty mail and YER GONNE BE FUCKING PLEASED ABOOT ET!"

_Cue Intro Music and Opening Theme…_

* * *

"My Pedobear instincts are tingling! Oh look, a little boy wrapped in a sheet~" a demon coos as he approaches the scene of your everyday ritual sacrifice. "PEDOBEARRRR TO THE RESCUEEEEE, SAVING SMALL BOOOOYS FROM THEIR CAGEEEESSSS!"

"Woah wait WHAT!" Ciel Phantomhive exclaims as he is kidnapped…again.

"I'm here to EAT CHO SOUL!" the demon begins and coughs, "I mean make a contract with you…TO EAT YOUR SOUL!"

"Uhhhhh…right. And creepy hooker guy says what now?" the little boy replies.

"CAKAW CAKAW!"

"IT'S THE FUCKING CROW FROM INUYASHA! GET IT AWAY!"

"I'll have you know I'm a raven. Now, the details of the contract: I'll serve you in any capacity until your desired wish is fulfilled, then I get to nom your soul." The demon replies in a more serious tone.

"And if I say no?" the boy asks.

"Look at your captors. Now back to me. Now back to your captors. Now back to me. Sadly, they aren't me. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're in a mansion with the man your captors could be like. What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it's the key to your freedom with the insignia of a pentagram. I'm on a Grell."

"Why does it smell like wood and baking spice all of a sudden?"

"Oh that's your mansion burning to the ground."

"And my parents?" Ciel asks.

"Dead too. Sorrrrrryyyyyy."

"So you're telling me, I'm kidnapped, my parents are dead, my home burned and the crow from Inuyasha wears stilettos in his spare time?"

"QUOTH THE RAVEN, 'NEVERMORE'!" the demon screeches.

"This sounds like the start of an anime."

"BINGO! Oh wait, I'm not Botan…OLE! Wait, that's someone else who comes in later…HUZZAH! Yeah, that'll do." The demon replies.

"At least you didn't say Exactomundo. Well! Since we need to push this God-forsaken fanservice train along, you got a deal demon!"

"WEEEEEEE! I mean, yes, my lord." The demon says and takes a bow. "By the way…you need to name me…"

"Well…you are annoying, obedient, loyal…I had a poodle named Maria once…and a Chihuahua named Sebastian." Ciel says with a horrid Mexican accent.

The demon twitches. "But I _loathe_ dogs."

"Right! Fluffy it is then!"

"NOOOOOO!" The demon cries in a corner.

"Corner huh? Suppose I could change your name to Tamaki."

"OH GAWD! Uuuugh, why can't I just keep my real name?" the demon groans.

The director suddenly appears. "Because we like to torture people! Now pick!"

The demon sighs. "Fiiiine. I'll take Sebastian."

"Sorry. I don't remember that being an option…" Ciel replies and taps his chin. "I feel like Tamaki today."

The demon scowls, slumping over. "This is gonna be a looooong contract. With a brat."

_Insert Doctor Who Theme Song for a Time Skip…_

* * *

"WAKEY WAKEY!" Sebastian Michaelis exclaims as he jumps on the sleeping Ciel.

"GET OFF ME YOU HEAVY ANNOYANCE!" Ciel yells.

Sebastian snuggles closer to his master. "But we have to give the fans some fanservice!"

Ciel sighs. "Do I haaaaaaave too?"

"Yes," Sebastian replies. "The sexual tension calls for it."

"Fine. One sexy time. ONE." Ciel complies.

"YESSSSSSSSSS!"

Ciel smacks him, the first of many. "You sound like a raging pedophile!"

"Noooooo, I'm a Cielbear." Sebastian counters with a wink.

"…yeah alright."

"OM NOM NOM!"

(le sexy time)

* * *

_The Parfait Scene. Because. Just because._

"FEED ME SEYMOUR!" the call comes from Master's study.

"WHO THE BLOODY DUCK IS SEYMOUR? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?" Sebastian yells as he marches over.

"YOU'RE SEYMOUR, TWAT! I changed your name again." Ciel replies as Sebastian—excuse me, _Seymour_—enters.

"Well how am I supposed to know when you randomly change my name?" the demon butler exclaims.

"Keep up Seymour. God." Ciel says and waves his hand away.

"What did you want in the first place, brat?"

"A parfait. Fetch, pretty boy."

"You think I'm pretty? Wait, no, you can't have dessert before dinner."

"I want dessert. Now." The boy demands.

"NO PARFAIT FOR JU!"

Ciel pouts. "Is this because I named you Seymour?"

The demon looks around all shifty-eyed. "Maaayyyybeeee."

Ciel bats his pretty little eyelashes. "Pleeeeeeeaaaase?"

Sebastian/Seymour/Tamaki thinks about it for a moment. "….Nope." he says and then leaves.

Before he manages to get too far, Ciel wraps his arms around the demon's waist. "Sebassssstiiiiaaan."

"I have work to do. Like cleaning up after the other idiot servants. Who I may or may not kill later."

"But I want sweeeeeetssss" Ciel whines.

"You'll get sweets later! Santa Clause is coming to town~"

"Not your sweets, dim wit." Ciel mutters.

"Look, you need to go do whatever little kids do when Santa comes."

"I don't believe in Santa."

"Then where did this letter come from?" Sebastian asks, pulling out a letter from Ciel's Uncle Clause.

"Klause. You idiot. He's my uncle from Germany. Well, not a real uncle, but he was close to my father." Ciel explains.

"Ohhhhh…that explains a lot." The butler says. He pulls out his pocket watch to check the time, then slowly looks back up. "Um…I'm gonna…gooooo."

Ciel once again grabs his wrist. "Parfait, Sebastian."

Sebastian gasps mockingly. "Is my name Sebastian again? Wooooow young master, you must reeeaaaaaally want that parfait!"

Ciel glares at him. "Fine. Be an ass. I'll just go marry Claude. He'll get me what I want."

"THAT CIELBEAR DOESN'T COME IN UNTIL THE SECOND SEASON. Besides, you'd still have to kiss his ass. Look, you can lick parfait off my naked body after we kill your uncle." Sebastian replies. Then he slowly turns to the audience and smiles. "Spoilers~!"

"You're not killing my uncle. Nothing bad happens to my uncle or you get no Cielobear time."

"Whyyyyy? I JUST WANT TO MAIM, MURDER, AND MASTURBATE!" Sebastian cries.

"Ewwww! I don't want to know what you do in your spare time!" Ciel says and covers his ears.

Sebastian takes this opportunity to run away with a troll face. To keep his young master preoccupied, Sebastian works his magic so a miniskirt poofs onto his skin and his body starts moving to a song that hasn't even been recorded yet: Moves like Jagger.

_Later…_

After Sebastian fixes all the mistakes of the servants, he comes back to see Ciel still being forced to dance around in a miniskirt to the song Moves like Jagger.

"Oops, you were dancing this whole time? Let's get you bathed before Uncle Clause gets here…"

Ciel glares at him when the dancing stops. "Much appreciated, ass."

The demon butler gives his signature Cielbear smile, eyes closed and lips in a U, as he replies, "Of course, my lord. This way."

He drags Ciel to the bath with the young master clawing the floor.

"I feel like I'm being dragged to hell…"

Sebastian pauses and smiles again at the young boy. "But bath time _is_ Hell….MUWAHAHAHA!" he cackles.

Ciel claws the carpets even more vigorously, screaming, "No no no no! No bath! I REFUUUUUUSE!"

"Challenge Accepted." Sebastian states as he hefts Ciel over his shoulder. "Just for that, I'm making the water cold."

"WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MEEEE? I HAVEN'T EVEN CHANGED YOUR NAME THIS TIIIIME!" the little Earl screeches while floundering.

Sebastian responds with a mature "QUIT YELLING IN MY EAR!" as he draws the bath water.

Ciel keeps floundering as he says "Put me dooooown!"

Sebastian turns to the audience again, that's right, you, and gives a smirk before turning back to the tub. "As you wish, young master." He says and drops Ciel in the tub, clothes and all.

The boy lands in the water and screams "I'M GONNA DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA!"

"Pfffffffft. I can warm you up with my body heat, silleh." The butler responds and begins stripping his young master.

In return, the brat splashes a huge amount of water at his butler, screaming "YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH BADGES BIATCH!"

"SHUT UP MAGIKARP!"

"I WILL SPLASH THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND HOLD YOU DOWN!"

Meanwhile, the servants are listening in at the door…

"NO. NO FANSERVICE THIS TIME!"

"Then…quit…splashing…FOOOOOOOOL!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Ciel shrieks and tackles the butler.

Sebastian has his hands thrown over his head as he says, "Um…I think I just quoted Gundam Wing…"

"You quoted…what now?" Ciel asks, still hanging from his butler's shoulders. "Sounds explosive. Like Meirin if she thinks she overhears something."

Sebastian snaps back to reality, oh, there goes gravity, and sets Ciel back in the tub. "Be right back." He says quickly and rushes to the door. He opens it to reveal the servants piled on top of each other, clearly eavesdropping. Giving them a stern look, he points down the hall and they scamper off. "Now, where were we?"

Ciel squeaks and hides behind Sebastian due to his deep-seeded fear of being naked in front of people.

"Scrub-a-dub-dub, back in the tub!" Sebastian says cheerily, picking Ciel up and placing him back in the tub.

The small boy crosses his arms and glares at the demon. "It's still cold."

His butler sighs and lets out some of the water, then runs the hot water to balance the temperature. "Better?"

He receives a nod and pout in return, so grabs some soap and lathers it in the boy's dark blue hair.

"Why do you always wear gloves? Don't they get wet?" the boy suddenly asks.

Sebastian stops lathering his hair and stares at his glistening white gloves for a moment, his face solemn as if beholding a precious artifact. "A butler's gloves do more than provide the perfect look. I wear these gloves to keep my delicate hands silky smooth and pale, so for those special and rare occasions when the gloves come off, my hands can caress the skin of mine enemies with tenderness as I twist off their heads! It's also good when fapping."

Ciel groans and falls face-first in the water. "Lunatic!"

"You asked for an explanation." His butler shrugs. "And that was an epic explanation."

"It was unneeded. You could've just said 'magic' and left the masturbation out of it, twat."

"You're the twat, you just can't understand art. And that, dear boy, was pure artistry." Sebastian huffs.

"Are you going to blow everything up and tell me your palms have mouths now, art nut?" Ciel asks, then stops for a moment. "Wait. Don't answer that question…"

"Pfft, that's Diedara's gig. I'm an original." Sebastian replies anyway, striking a pose.

"Original according to my imagination, weirdo. Why use MY FATHER as a base?"

"…you're the one with the problems, kid, not me."

"Yes, Sebastian, I get _great_ pleasure in being pedobeared by my father's lookalike. That is EXACTLY it, you have figured me out." The boy replies with heavy sarcasm. As in he's being sarcastic.

His butler gasps. "YOU SAID MY NAME!" he screams and huggles Ciel.

Ciel makes a deadpan face. "You ignored my statement, huh? I will rename you, for the," he counts on his fingers, "forty-second time since we met."

"I didn't feel like I had anything to add to your statement—you said it perfectly all by yourself."

"You actually admit I'm right for once?" Ciel gasps. "ARE YOU FEVERISH?!"

"You're the one who confessed to having Daddy Issues." Sebastian shrugs.

"I am twelve. OF COURSE I MISS MY PARENTS YOU JERKFACE TWAT. But you're the one who molests me while I'm 'sleeping'."

"Maybe I should wash your mouth out…" the butler replies, taking the soap and shoving it in the boy's mouth. Putting a hand to his chin, he muses, "and all this time I was _sure_ you were sound asleep. Well, you never said no."

Ciel spits the soap out in his face. "I couldn't. That's the point of 'sleeping,' twit. That's it. Your creeper molester habits have earned you a new name."

Sebastian pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. "Then you can wash your own self, potty mouth."

"Whatever you say, Swiper." The boy replies with a wave of his hand.

Angry at his master's ill-treatment of him, Sebastian huffs once again and marches out of the bathroom. Once in the hall, he shoos the servants away again and waits to be called back in when Ciel realizes he doesn't know how to take care of himself alone…in more ways than one.

Ciel has a staring match with the soap for a good half hour before giving up. "SATANDAMMIT. SEBSTIIIIAN COME MAKE THIS SOAP OBEY MY TELEPATHIC COMMAND AND JUMP ON MY SKIN AND WASH IT!"

Sebastian, calmed down by now, smirks and re-enters the bathroom. "I have a better idea. How about you be a good little boy and let me finish your bath, hmm?"

"You know as well as I do that me and the word 'good' are not symbiotic."

"Then sit still and stop complaining, is that symbiotic enough for you?"

"I will be as still as the dead. But watch your perverted hands."

"Okay, just try not to moan so much like last time. It kinda makes it harder for me NOT to molest you when you ask for it."

Ciel's face explodes in bright red. "I WAS DRUGGED LAST TIME BY STUPID LAU AND HIS 'INCENSE'!"

"Oh yes, I remember that day. You looked so cute in that little outfit he put you in. I think we should use that disguise again sometime." Sebastian replies, scrubbing his master's back.

Ciel drops his head, still very red. "Oh God kill me now."

Sebastian thinks on that for a moment. "Mmmmm, you need a bit more flavor first. Plus, our contract says you have to get revenge before I can kill you and nom your soul."

Ciel glares at him through wet bangs. "I was being RHETORICAL."

"IIIIIIIII WASN'T~!" Sebastian sings.

"You are such a freak."

"And _you _are still a dirty little boy. Scrub-a scrub-a scrub-a!"

"Your name is _so_ staying as Swiper until you chill the F down."

"SWIPER NO SWIPING!" the servants burst into the room.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU GITS TO GO HANG YOURSELVES FROM THE BANNISTERS! GO! SHOO! WE'RE HAVING SEXY BATH TIME TOGETHER AND YOU'RE NOT INVITED!" Sebastian yells in his demonic voice.

"Awwww…." They cry and run away.

Ciel gapes at his butler. "I SAID NO SEXY TIME TONIGHT YOU RAGING PEDOPHILE!"

"Yes, but if you tell them that they won't want to listen in. Now we can be…_alone_."

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN with an extreme close-up on Ciel's face…

…which turns out to be Sebastian holding up a magnifying glass.

Ciel hits his head on it, exclaiming, "OW!"

"Is my eye big?" Sebastian asks.

"Absolutely. Let me help you." Ciel replies and hits him with a frying pan.

"Oh tank-koo." Sebastian moans and wobbles to the floor. "Wait, where did you get that frying pan? Have you been smuggling the dishes again?"

"I've always kept one in the tub." He answers all shifty-eyed.

Sebastian narrows his eyes. "You've been waiting for this moment, haven't you?"

Ciel grins "Since" he gets closer, "We" closer, "Met" extremely close up then zooms out.

Sebastian's eyes grow large as Ciel's face gets closer…and closer…and closer. Before he can decide to land a kiss on those twelve-year old lips, his young master zooms out. Sebastian frowns, snatches the frying pan, and bops him on the head with it.

"Well I've been waiting to do that too."

Ciel counters with a giant mallet.

A cartoonish battle ensues with a giant dust ball of limbs sticking out and objects flying around.

_We seem to be having technical difficulties, please stand by…_

The dust ball signifying a cartoon fight rolls into the hallway and into the bedroom.

"Oh my~" says George Takei.

"DAMMIT TAKEI YOU AREN'T EVEN BORN YET!" Ciel yells.

"Aha! My plan to get you in bed has finally succeeded!" Sebastian crows.

Meanwhile, Uncle Clause is waiting outside, wondering why no one is answering the door and pondering the meaning behind the strange noises coming from the mansion.

"Hey….wasn't there someone coming tonight?" Ciel asks.

"YOUR DISTRACTION WILL NOT WORK ON—wait…oh yes! Your Uncle Clause is coming from Italy!" Sebastian declares with a snap of his fingers.

"GERMANY!" the boy yells and lays back with a frustrated noise.

"Then why is he speaking Italian?"

Ciel sits up. "My uncle isn't Italian…who the heck is the guy at the door? Seb—I mean Swiper, go boil some oil! I feel the need for fondue."

"I already let him in, ya know, because I am simply one _hell_ of a butler. And the script calls for me to prepare raw meat and call it Beef Donburi in a Japanese fashion."

"We're following a script?"

Sebastian glances at the paper in his hands, glances back up to his lord, then back to the script. "Not anymore." He says as he throws it behind him.

"Good boy. You get your name back." Ciel says and scratches Sebastian behind the ears.

The demon butler glares. "I am _not_ a dog. I don't even like dogs. At least refer to me as a cat so I can purrrrrrr."

"Make whatever happy sound you want, I'm trying to be nice before we kill someone, dammit."

"I thought you said I wasn't allowed to kill your uncle? DAMMIT ANIME Y U NO FOLLOW THE MANGA!?"

"I'M SO CONFUSED!" Ciel yells and hits his head on the wall. "IS IT MY GERMAN UNCLE OR NOT?!" he continues and grabs the script from the trash.

"I believe he is your German uncle who has been working over in Italy."

"PASTAAAAA!"

"GO HOME ITALY YOU'RE DRUNK!"

"DAMMIT! SEBASTIAN GO FIX THE FIFTH WALL! I DON'T DO CROSSOVERS!" After his exclamation Ciel begins muttering to himself and reads the script.

"Yes, my Lord." Sebastian replies with a bow and erects a "NO CROSSOVERS" wall to keep the rest of the other animes out. Not that it won't stop some from digging under…

"Okay. Looks like it IS my Uncle. But he's…Italian…for this…" Ciel hits his head again. "I hate the Italians…..dammit. Go make nice, Sebastian. Can't kill relatives yet." He then storms off set and locks himself in his trailer, refusing to come out, even for Sebastian's chocolate cake.

* * *

**-Author's Note: Annnnnd that's how it ends. Thanks for reading our first chapter of Black Butler Abridged! If you have any questions, comments, ideas, or requests please let us know in your review! Ciel is currently in his trailer having a diva fit, so the next chapter might take some coaxing (wink). Also, I'm not even going to point out all the references we used in this. Cookies to whoever manages to catch a few, and points too, because they don't matter. Peace~**


End file.
